Pure Confusion

Not sure this silly blog gets read at all. If I thought it did, I probably wouldn't spill my life for all the world to read, but it's my outlet sometimes. Life is coming unravelled again. Everytime I think I have something figured out, I reach another obstacle. Honestly, I thought life was supposed to get easier the older we get.

I have been searching for some clarity. I am truly trying to not sweat the small stuff. I am trying to find the silver lining. Right now, all I find happiness in is spending time with my daughter and riding my bike. They are my salvations and my escapes.

Last night, after work, I drove to Blanket's Creek and rode in the dark, in the woods, by myself. It was surreal. Just me, the lights on my handlebars, and one on my helmet. Occassionally, I would see a pair of eyes light up off the trail. Every now and then I'd hear a rustle of feet off in the distance. About half an hour in, I came around a corner and was face to face with an 8-point buck, just standing in the trail. I stopped abruptly, and he stared into my light, just 20 feet away, for what seemed like over a minute. I could hear him breathing, but he didn't move. It was an incredible experience.

After work tonight I ran over to Olivia's house, spent five minutes hearing about her day, gave her a kiss, and ran back home. Running at night can be fun, but tonight wasn't near the thrill of riding last night.

If I'm going to work a meaningless job, making peanuts, I'd rather be somewhere that I could enjoy my surroundings more. I know that's not possible, but I can wish for it nonetheless. I know it's not good to live in the past, but there are some mistakes I've made that I've just never recovered from. I'd like a "do over" on some of them. I know what I want, and where I want to be, I just have no idea how to get there anymore.