Random shiznit

This little blog o' mine is in danger of becoming stagnet. My certification in CPR expired years ago, but I'll give it an attempt:

Olivia started soccer again this week. I was happy to see her really charge the goal - she was a little timid last year. Now, if I can just teach her to throw some elbows and land some headbutts we'll be in business.

Our bike shop has to have a sitcom or docudrama in it to make us all millions. 5 full-time employees. Three of us are single dads with daughters. I can't decide whether it's funny or pathetic...

I'm ready for Spring, dammit.

Two people in the last month have told me I look like Kelly Slater (the surfer)...Uh, yeah, we both shave our head and have blue eyes. The similarities end there.

Cold pizza? Seriously, I don't get it. Might as well eat cold oatmeal.

Did you check out that couple that won the Lottery from Georgia last week? Holy shit! I'm reminded that people like that WIN the lottery because people like that PLAY the lottery. "As soon as we get Ethel's gout taken care of we're going on a Royal Carribean cruise. Then we're buying Bert that little Asian whore he's had his eye on at the strip club next to the truck stop..."

I don't like much music being made these days, but I do like Jack Johnson. I bought his latest album a couple of weeks ago and it's like Valium. C'mon, Jack, I didn't illegally download it, I BOUGHT it! You can do better than that.

On the way to school the other day, Olivia asked me if "God is naked?". How do you answer that? "No, honey, he usually rolls in an Armani suit. Now, Jesus, on the other hand, has no style at all. Birkenstock wearing hippie..."

A friend of mine is getting married for the second time next weekend. I thought I had something clever to write about that, but I don't.

My parents tried to call me from Mexican prison the other night. I told the guard I had never heard of them. My mom had apparently run nude through the streets of a local town during Siesta. My dad was behind her in a bull outfit. I guess they thought they were in Spain.

That last paragraph was a joke....I just need some spice today.

My brother once shaved his crack. Said he couldn't fart for a week....That's not a joke.....no matter how you look at it.

Peace out, bitches

Done before I started

Didn't mean to write two negative posts in a row, but I'm done with my attempt to try and race a bike again. I'm giving the bike I've been loaned back and stopping the attempts to train when I know I just can't make the time or muster the enthusiasm.

I won't quit riding all together, but I'm just setting myself up to be disappointed if I try to race. I'm still a category 2 rider, which means I'd have to race with Pros most of the time. I could race masters, but I just don't think it will give me the rush I need. Cyclocross was different and new, but I've been a successful road racer and I just can't seem to adjust. My dad can probably relate to it. He was a National Champion in car racing, and I'm sure no matter how old you get it would be hard to go back to regional racing.

I was sick for two weeks and didn't pedal a stroke. Now, I just don't have the energy. I've ridden twice in 3 weeks and the season starts in a month. Riding, I had hoped, would be therapeutic. To a point it has been, but I need to compete to be happy.

I've got some serious issues I need to deal with in my life. Cycling will just have to wait.

Feeling pretty low

Did you ever feel like you were the only person in the world dealing with the trials and tribulations of life? Surely it's selfish to believe that you are unique enough to be any different than anyone else.

Right now, I question whether I'm the person I think I am or want to be. I think everyone wants to think they are an honest, decent, intelligent, caring, friendly, successful, and driven person. I'm too confused and angry to know anymore.

I feel like a Robbie Williams lyric:

And you know and you know
Cause my life's a mess
And I'm trying to grow
so beforeI'm old I'll confess
You think that I'm strong
you're wrong
You're wrong

Pray for me Thursday at 5:15

Olivia and I are finally going to the Hannah Montana 3D spectacular! OH MY GOD, I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!

So, for those of you that don't have kids, this thing is just a taped concert, essentially a movie....oh, yeah, in 3D. Her mom paid $32 for the tickets. No, the three of us aren't going, just me and Olivia. Seriously, I'm pretty sure I payed less for my first LIVE concert, and I doubt I'll even get a contact buzz. Of course, this is HANNAH MONTANA, not Loverboy.

I ventured to the other prepubescent girl craze this weekend - the American Girl store. Amazing. I had the typical "why didn't I think of this" thoughts, but I don't think my feeble mind is capable of the marketing ideas this place has. Unfortunately, we didn't have 4 hours (not kidding) to wait for a table at the Bistro, where they would serve a mini meal just like your daughter's (or gay son's) to your American Girl doll.

We also didn't have time to wait in line to dole out $20 to have her doll's hair styled. There are adult women who put your child's doll in a mini salon chair and style their hair to your liking. I'm sure tips are accepted.

One bonus (although I'm not in the market for one) was the droves of hot moms walking around in their hip "I want to be like my daughter" clothes. I don't venture to Alpharetta much, but there are distinctly two different types of moms walking around with their kids. You've got the Snoopy sweatshirt, hair stuck in the 80's, Keds-wearing moms and the "there's a chance I might get laid at the mall" moms - no inbetween. I put my blinders on, paid 100% attention to my daughter, gave the nice cashier all my money and left after a trip to the merry-go-round.

The missing tooth and los americanos terrible...

This pic is for my mom and dad, who are currently getting their tan on and rolling tortillas south of the border. My dad has probably befriended the local Mexican engineer, helping him translate some of Newton's laws into his native tongue (and, of course, pointing out where Newton might have been wrong.) Meanwhile, my mom has already been branded "La Risa" or, loosely translated, "The Laugher". They probably have no idea what she's trying to say as she thumbs through her dog-eared copy of Spanish for Idiots, but they know she is the Happy American.

My mom left me a cryptic voicemail last week. Apparently, they were about to enter Mexico. I could have sworn she was calling from the launchpad of the Space Shuttle. "We're heading off into the unknown territory. We'll be out of contact for quite some time...." Elton John sounded less fearful when he sang Rocket Man. I thought I could hear my dad talking to the Border Patrol in the background..."La senorita es loco...." then "Our gross vehicular weight is 28,654 libras. How many pesos do you need, Senor?" Aye, caramba!

The Canadians are currently digging a 3000 mile trench across their border from my parents' visit last summer. The USA will probably be an island in short order after their current trip....

Love you, mom and dad!

High School Hannah Montana Musical

I give up. I'm so High School Musicaled - Hannah Montanaed out that I swear they are one in the same. Now my kid is convinced that TODAY is the only day that she can watch the new Hannah Montana concert/movie thingy. She literally freaked out last night when she saw the commercial: "Ohhhhhhh my goooooshhhhh! It's tomorrow!!!!" You'd think the Beatles had come back and were playing in our backyard.

I don't get it. Both phenomenons are not horrible entertainment, but they have certainly gripped every single little girl I know. That, coupled with the American Girl craze, makes being a parent in 2008 a very expensive and annoying venture. It's all the ancillary shit that just drives you nuts. You can't go anywhere without getting the High School Musical balloon, or the Hannah Montana hairbrush set or the American Girl doll storybook. I'm "mean dad" and can say NO, but I'm tired of having to say no all the time. I'm barraged by all this crap.

Is it wrong for a 40 year old dad to watch High School Musical for the 30th time and think about which of those peppy little high school girls is the hottest? Is it wrong for me to want to wring the neck of the Hollywood dick that ever thought Billy Ray Cyrus was worthy of putting on ANY show? I don't give a damn how talented his daughter is - that guy is the shittiest actor in the history of acting (with the possible exception of Keanu Reeves, who is deplorable.). Is it wrong for me to think that it is below me to don a pair of 3D glasses to watch the Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montana Concert with my daughter this weekend?....'cause you know I'm going to friggin' do it with all the other pathetic, slave-to-their-daughter dads across this country.