On The Road Again?

OK, OK, I said the last post was it for a while, but this is too funny not to share.

Anyone who's ever done a monotonous sport knows what it's like to let their mind wander. Oftentimes, if you're not wearing an iPod, you'll get a tune in your head. Chances are it will be some stupid song that you wouldn't admit you like, but really do - something by Wham, Culture Club or Hall & Oates. Possibly some other "are they gay or just close friends?" duo of the early 80's. Today, on my ride to work, I got a song in my head....The theme from "Alice". Uh, yeah, you know how it goes - "There's a new girl in town and she's looking good. There's a fresh freckled face in the neighborhood..."

Are you fucking kidding me?!!! I don't know that I watched that show more than five times, and it's got to be 25 years old. Not a single redeeming quality - no good looking chick, no funny character, no real plot at all, unless you consider the struggling single mom who works slinging hash scenario interesting and heartstring pulling. Alice was about at hot as the Beiring Sea....But there it was, going over and over in my head. Couldn't shake it no matter how hard I rode or tried to deprive my brain of oxygen...."Early to rise, Early to bed. In and between I cooked and cleaned and went out of my head.."

It's been a long time since I read the classics, but if I recall, in Dante's Inferno there are long descriptions of the various levels of Purgatory. You're certainly not in Heaven, but you're not far from Hell. In these rooms are people in various stages of uncomfort, serving their endless time. Dante was probably right to scare us into wishing for either extreme over Purgatory. It would remind you too much of when you were living - toiling away with some douchebags who had similarly screwed up their lives.

I will be in a room with a bunch of other morons. We will be forced to watch silent episodes of Hee-Haw while a continuous loop of "Alice's Theme" plays on a loudspeaker - the volume just high enough to be slightly distorted as to annoy the living shit out of you. It will be akin to Chinese water torture. Every five minutes, Mel will scream at Flo to get back to work and Vera will have another one of her nervous attacks. Just for shits and giggles we'll all have hair like Alice's son, Tommy. You know, that shitty long, over the ears, late 70's 'do that made everybody look like they just took a hit from a bong or were an extra in a cheap porn flick. Think Leif Garret before rehab.

Every four hours a nurse will come by and give us a Viagra. The only problem is that our hands will be tied behind our back, and a cellophane covered copy of Boobs N' Buns will be just out of reach. You'll spend the next four hours listening to Alice's theme, looking at those big knockered girls that pop up out of the cornfield on Hee-Haw, hoping to God that you don't suffer the dreaded "erection lasting four hours or more" side effect of the little blue pill.

Of course, you have to believe in Heaven and Hell...and I often sit on the fence. Really, you have to be a masochist to believe in God, but there are times when I just have to believe there is a God of some sort. If so, He's (notice I capitalized the "H" in He....just in case He's reading this and has his AP Style Guide by his side)...anyway, He's been kind of a prick lately (sorry, man, I just call it like I see it), but today He showed me that He's got a pretty funny sense of humor, too.

God, Kiss my grits...